Wednesday, 12 September 2012


We all remember the transformation scenes in various were-wolf and mad scientist movies, but are you aware of a transformation that occurs quite possibly, in your very street, perhaps even your house!  There is actually a distinct chance if you are male, that it happens to you but you just don't know it.  There are certain conditions required for it to happen and British weather being the way it is, it doesn't happen very often. Have you guessed yet?  If not, I shall draw back the vale obscuring this horror.  The average man becomes the BARBECUE MAN!!!
Last weekend was perfect for the average man to undergo this transformation: It was warm.  That's it.  That's all your average man needs to initiate the conversion.  It happens as follows...

1. The sun needs to be shining for the majority of the day, and no rain must have fallen.(This is important only      BEFORE the barbecue.)

2. He will ask the disguised question "Shall we have a barbecue?"  By disguised I mean he's reversed the "Shall" and "We" parts of the sentence to be polite.  He is insisting, do not try and dissuade him, it will not work.

3. He then begins the invitation procedure, whereby he starts with a list of household members which then swiftly progresses to friends, neighbours, old work colleagues and on and on until his pen runs out of ink.

4. As the transformation increases, the mathematical capabilities begin to revert back to that of neanderthal  man. He will try and calculate how much food to buy for the meal. "Eight adults, that's two burgers and sausages per adult and six children, so that's...." His voice will trail off and his eyes will become glazed as he goes to the car, drives to the shop and proudly returns with about 36 burgers, 40 sausages, 30 drumsticks, 3lbs of coleslaw, crisps and goodness knows what else.  Then he unloads the booze.....

5.  When the guests arrive he will greet them of course, but he will be secreting a small notebook about himself.  This is to record how much and what each guest has brought, if anything!  He may use these notes to determine how much food guests are allowed or even if they are invited again!

6.  He will now realise that he hasn't enough fuel for the barbecue and get to the nearest supplier of coal and similar fuel sources, where he will share his anxiety with other men who are suffering the same condition.  You can spot them easily: wild-eyed, walking faster than a jog from aisle to aisle in desperation. More often than not successful, he returns to his cave, sorry, home.

7. The barbecue is lit and burning well. He is ready to cook as the flames are licking two feet into the air. Yes, two feet.  We know this is too high, but remember he cannot control his actions.  A combination of the alcohol he has consumed, the degeneration of his cognitive functions and the flames drawing his gaze towards and yellow tongues tasting the air..burn, burn, burn..sorry, got carried away there...

8. The food is burning on the outside now and raw in the middle. He is unsure what to do. Several other males approach the area to assist their troubled friend and with beer (AND) or wine in hand, start making suggestions which suspiciously sound like grunts.

At this point the sensible, level headed members of this dining adventure may step in. Generally unaffected by this transformation, and as the inevitable rain begins to fall, females of the group will suggest "Finishing it off in the oven," purely because the "Fire will go out," and nothing to do with the fact that if anyone eats the food as is, the will contract food poisoning.  Whilst the food is moved indoors to be perfectly finished and cooked properly, the now fully-transformed infected men remain outside nursing their drinks and staring into the flames, muttering or is it chanting?

The following morning the average man rises after a fitful, indigestion-riddled sleep.  His head and stomach ache and there is a mess to be cleaned up, which of course due to the after effects of the transformation (not the alcohol), he cannot for the life of him remember from where it came.

Mess cleaned up, aches and pains gone he goes into the garden.  A bright light is reflecting off the ash dusted barbecue. He finds it almost hypnotic....the light is of course the sun, and it is warm on his face.......

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