Thursday, 15 March 2012


After watching and enjoying a vast number of action films from the 80's and 90's, i have constructed a checklist of all you need to make your own action film.  Read on, hopefully enjoy and of course feel free to use this template to make your own....Remeber these lists are not exhaustive, you can add others...

Part One: Select one of the following actors as your main star:

1.  Arnold Schwarzenegger.
2.  Sylvester Stallone.
3.  Steven Seagull.
4.  Bruce Willis.
5.  Wesley Snipes.
6.  Van Damme.

Part Two: Select one of the following actors as your villain (others may be chosen but they MUST be British-remember ALL baddies are British):

1.  Jeremy Irons.
2.  Alan Rickman.
3.  Garry Oldman.
4.  Malcolm McDowell.

Part Three: Now choose which job our good-guy USED to do.  If he still does that job, he must be retiring very soon, probably this is his last case.

1.  Ex-CIA.
2.  Ex-Navy Seal.
3.  Ex-Black Ops.
4.  Ex-Police Captain.

Part Four:  Select the reason he is involved in the case.

1. His daughter has been kidknapped.
2. His son has been kidknapped.
3. His wife has been kidknapped.
4. Any of his boss's or member of his old teams family have been kidknapped

Part Five:  Pick the relationship between the hero and the bad guy.

1.  Brother: full, half or step-it doesn't matter.
2.  Ex colleague who always lost to him. (And will again Heh Heh.)
3.  Disgruntled dictator.
4.  Someone our hero "Left behind man! You left me there to die!"
     "I had no choice.  It was the school or you man, i had to save the kids!"

Part Six: VERY important this, pick a first name from the list of ten options:

1.  John.
2.  John.
3.  John.
4.  John.
5.  John.
6.  John.
7.  John.
8.  John.
9.  John.
10.  Jim.  Sorry no, i meant John.

Part Seven: Not quite as important, but he needs a surname.  This must be a surname you can't believe someone would actually have, such as:

1. Quantum.
2.  Matrix.
3.  Omega.
4.  Mars (any planet name is a good choice.)
5.  Firebrand.
6.  Ironfist.
7.  Smith.

Part Eight:  His present job is...

1.  A chef.
2.  A security guard (who they shouldn't have messed with).
3.  A nightclub/pub landlord.
4.  No job, just passes his time staying out of trouble, whittling wood and studying tai-chi.

Part Nine:  Only two to go before you can write the screenplay, but first we need a tag-line:

1.  "He was having a bad day.  Theirs was about to get even worse."
2.  "One man, one mission, one million bullets."
3.  "John Omega really will be their end."
4.  "Out of the frying pan into the Firebrand." (Only use where surname=Firebrand.)

Part Ten:  How will he beat the baddie in the final scene?

1.  Kill him with his own poison.
2.  Kill him with his own gun.
3.  Kill him with his own fingers.
4.  Kill him with his own shoe.

In addition to these lists, you may find the following information helpful.
The actor MUST not be able to portray many facial expressions. (Steven Seagull is a master of this, as he is of everything else, including pretending to be a black tent.)
Every climatic scene MUST have a corny line. (See Commando-"Let off some steam Bennett.")
He MUST live in the countryside where he chops his own firewood, (in Seagulls case with his bare hands.)
He will need to assemble a team to go with him on this mission, which he will sell to them as "One we won't all make it back from." And that he will recruit them to because "He needs them one more time."  These too will be ex-something, though not wives or partners.  These characters (wives or partners) will all miraculously end up together watching the final stages of the battle from a live helicopter feed.  The helicopter will crash i'm afraid just before we know who will walk through the smoke in slo-mo at the end.
Take all of the above ingredients and mix with a soundtrack by someone like Kenny Loggins, with the final scene (walking out of the smoke having all survived, in slo-mo of course), being accompanied by Brothers in Arms by Dire Straits.  There, that's how you make an 80's or 90's action film, which lets be honest were all bloody great fun to watch.  Action!
And you thought i couldn't spell his name.

Steven Seagull.

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